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Long Distance Digital Love
By Ligaya Diwata
For some people, it is an absolute must in a relationship that they get to hug, kiss, touch and have face-to-face conversations with their loved one. They say that absence does not make the heart grow fonder - in fact, their perception is that if the partner is out of one's sight, he or she is slowly moving out of the mind. While the above is true for a good number of people, it is interesting to note that, if the statistics from The Center For Long-Distance Relationships circa 2005 are to be believed, people involved in long-distance relationships are actually increasing in number. That's right. As of 2005, an estimated 2.9% of US marriages were considered long distance, with 1 in 10 marriages reported to have included a period at long distance within the first 3 years. This means that in 2005 approximately 3,500,000 people in the US alone were involved in long-distance marriages. Also, during that same year it was discovered that an estimated 4 to 4.5 million college-age couples in the US which were in non-marital long-distance relationships. Closer to home and more recent in scope, according to the Philippine Overseas Employment Administration alone, there are 1,422,586 Filipinos documented to be working outside of the Philippines – imagine how many of them are married! Take note that all the information we’ve just mentioned do not even take into account how many couples, both married and not married, are currently in a long distance relationship with both partners who are based in neither their home countries. So, how is it possible that long-distance relationships are increasing in number? Well, with the Internet revolution and the digital technology phenomenon, couples now find it much easier to cross time and distances through the flick of a finger. It's a great era to live in, where you don't need to resort to long-hand writing, a score of prying middle men (and women), and a nearly-endless wait just to send news to, and get news from, your loved one. Here in the Philippines, mobile phones and dongle units are all the rage. It's no surprise that the country used to be the texting capital in the world (last we checked, this is no longer the case) - because it costs around US$ 0.25 per minute to make an international call, people maximise the use of their prepaid credit to send 160-character SMS messages which are more precise and can reach their recipients at a shorter time (photos can be sent via MMS straight from your camera phone, but that would cost a bit extra). At the same time, since telecommunications companies are hard-pressed to find the resources and manpower to wire every household, building, office, school, hotel and institution to the internet, more and more of them are now making their antennae and satellites capable of beaming wireless internet via signals that can be caught up on USB drives pre-programmed to become wireless modems, which can be hooked on notebooks, netbooks and even your daily desktop computer. Last we checked, academic and informal studies show that this phenomenon has spread in many different parts of Asia, and that it's only a matter of time before the rest of the world follows suit. What does this mean for us then? It's never been easier to keep talking and sharing to our beloved no matter the time, the day or the place. However, this doesn't mean we can throw common sense and basic courtesy - the rules of engagement, so to speak - out of the window. This author requests for the reader to please keep an open mind, and note that she is speaking from personal experience here, having been in a non-marital long-distance relationship for almost 10 years now. ;) So for those of us who are in long-distance relationships, how do we express and retain our digital love? Here are some activities that have helped this author and her partner tackle the problems posed by digital love head-on. One advantage of long-distance love is that it allows you and your partner to really focus on and share your emotional, mental and even spiritual connection. It also allows you to mature in many ways where physical contact may prove to be a distraction. However, this means that there are precious few opportunities afforded where you can share physical contact with your partner. One way to reinforce romance is by constant and consistent communication. You’ll be surprised by the way a simple, random “I love you” via text or email can positively affect your loved one. But of course, nothing beats being able to call and chat, which afford you to ask how your day/week has gone and to offer ways to help him or her, among other things. Keeping each other informed is one of the best ways to keep any relationship alive and healthy. And while we’re on the subject of correspondence, it would be best to apply tact, patience and understanding when asking and responding to your loved one. This is especially true in the case of internet-reliant long-distance relationships, where most of the time all that both of you have are words. In fact, we recommend that you ask each other as many of the important questions and make as many rules for the relationship as you are mutually willing to follow from the get-go, so that both you and your partner are clear on the parameters of your relationship. Make sure you talk about the future. And if there’s anything that you’ve discussed which still doesn’t make sense, take care to phrase your question properly. We’ve learned that using positive, passive language - i.e., “I was worried when you didn’t call last night, but I hope you’re well.” instead of “Where were you last night and why didn’t you call?” – helps in diffusing tension before it even starts. Two key traits are needed to keep the long-distance relationship alive and healthy: trust and honesty. Lying would simply complicate matters and lead to conflict. Mistrust would cause drama and doom the relationship. There is a saying that goes, “All people are innocent until proven guilty,” and that applies to this type of relationship the most. Besides, it would do both of you good to have nurture healthy social lives which improve your personalities and characters. Of course, that’s not to say that you should just turn a blind eye and be unwilling to consider some signs. The point of the matter is that, in any relationship, people are also living their lives, and forcing them to give up those lives for you would mean they are bound by your control – which would defeat the whole point in being in a “relation-ship.” Another way to keep the fire going is to pursue shared interests, even when solo. It helps keep both of you on your toes and also inspires a bit of a challenge between you two – enough competition that is healthy for a relationship and the individuals in it to grow, of course. Besides, it makes for great conversation, where you can compare and contrast how the activities based on those interests went. Finally, if you haven't met up at all yet, it would be to the very best interest of both yourself and your partner to actually test your relationship and overall compatibility in a setting where both of you are physically proximate. In short, yes, meet up! It can be nerve-wracking and overwhelming to think of, but in the end, the outcome would be well worth it. If you both find that you are indeed compatible, congratulations for being well-matched and best wishes to you! And if not, well, at least it was worth a shot, and you may have gained a valuable friend in the process. Just don't let it ruin your chance at happiness. Of course, all these tips will not guarantee a successful, long-lasting long-distance relationship. At the end of the day, the things that make a relationship last are trust, honesty, understanding, dedication and the commitment of each partner to love, care, make time and compromise for the good of the other person and of the relationship. It is up to the person to let both time and place affect the kind and quality of the relationship that he or she is involved in.
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Contributor's Note
I am speaking from personal experience here, having been in a non-marital LDR for exactly 8 1/2 years now. ;)
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Long Distance Relationships Statistics by Waiit.com
| Wikipedia entry on long-distance relationships
| Cyber-romance article on eNotAlone.com
| An article on the "Mobile phone revolution" on Developments magazine
| Overseas employment statistics from the Philippine Overseas Employment Administration (POEA)
| Internet World Stats on the Philippines
| The Philippines’ social media, internet and mobile statistics from Tonyo Cruz (TonyoCruz.com)
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My USA-based boyfriend and I during our vacation this March 2010 here in the Philippines. We met in an online RPG.
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Thank you for sharing this well written intel on long distance digital love, Ligaya.
It's good to see you back.
Keep up the good work.
Best wishes.
Frederick
The copyright for this content entitled "Long Distance Digital Love" has been specified by the contributor as:
All Rights Reserved
This content may not be copied, distributed or adapted by anyone under any circumstances.
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